Why I can't talk to you
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Dear Partner, Wife, Husband, Lover, Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Best Friend, Cousin, Aunt, Uncle, Grandma, Grandad... actually, anyone whose loved one is in therapy, is starting therapy or maybe finishing therapy,
I know you care about your loved one. I know you, along with them, are probably bearing the brunt of their depression, anxiety, trauma, anger, sadness, despair...whatever it is they have come to see me about. I know it can be exhausting, frightening, lonely and frustrating trying to help them, help yourself and keep your world together at the same time. I know you might want to reach out to me, to help me help your loved one by giving me information, asking questions, letting me know what you think is the issue. But I can't talk to you. Here's why.
Boundaries
In a word: boundaries. Boundaries help keep us safe, secure and understand where we stand in a relationship. This means we can make informed, autonomous decisions for ourselves. When we have boundaries we can rely on, we can express ourselves in a safe, contained way, and be sure enough we will be received in the way we expect. Relationships without boundaries can be chaotic, stressful and highly detrimental. Think about a child growing up with consistent, compassionate boundaries. They learn to be secure, responsible, robust and independent. They know they are cared about, and they learn to care for themselves. They learn to care about others. They also learn how to balance their wants and needs against what is best for them, and make helpful decisions for themselves. Now think about a child who grows up with inconsistent, confusing or absent boundaries. They are often insecure, mistrustful, anxious and confused. They don't know if they are cared about, or worth caring about.
Our early relationship with boundaries can form how we interact with them as adults. Boundaries can often feel punitive; they can feel like punishments. But are they? Let's take a look at the boundaries essential to counselling, and why they mean I can't talk to you.
Trust
The counselling relationship is built on trust. We use that word a lot, but have a think about how many people you truly, utterly trust in the world, in all situations. Not many. Now imagine a world where you completely trust yourself and others, and everyone is worthy of that trust. Think about how much of yourself you could express in such a world! This is what we are trying to achieve in counselling; a place your loved one can express themselves and their experiences, without judgment, where they know they will be heard in a safe, secure, professional relationship.
Fundamentally, I trust three things:
1. I trust your loved one's experiences and world view as legitimate to them
Whether you believe there is a single objective reality or as many realities as people is kind of irrelevant. The only reality we have access to is our own. Even when we understand the reality of others, we are accessing it through our own goggles, so we can only get so close! What is important is how your loved one is experiencing their world, and that they have a place where that is validated as real for them. Once I can understand where they are coming from, and how they see things, we can work together for the change they want.
2. I trust them to be able to heal themselves
Your loved one has lived with themselves their whole life, from the inside. Whether they feel like it or not, the fact they are sitting in front of me, or with you, means they have found a way to survive. They have figured out, despite all the adversity, troubles, stresses and bad luck, how to keep going, somehow. I respect that. I bet you do, too. But it means that despite the fact you or I might think we know is the 'best' solution for them, we really aren't the experts - they are. If we can trust them to heal themselves (which I have seen so many people do, so many times, from such dark places!) then we haven't fixed it for them. This would be a short-term solution, and maybe even damaging if the way we help ourselves isn't a good fit for them. By trusting them, and staying with them as they do it, we encourage them to listen to themselves, trust the change they want to make and grow in self-confidence. This type of change, the change that comes from within, is more permanent.
3. I trust their process - the way they need to do things to heal themselves
It's important they do this in their own time, in their own preferred way. And a key point here is; I completely trust your loved one to do that, when they are ready. 'When they are ready' means; when they judge themselves to be safe enough, for it to be helpful to them, whether knowingly or intuitively. This can be confusing, but I want to be really clear; they can choose to lie to me, and that's ok. In fact, it can be helpful. They are testing how safe the relationship is, how much power they have, and deciding for themselves how much of themselves to reveal. I trust them to do that.
Even though you know they've had an affair, they lost a parent when they were young, or they slipped off the wagon at the weekend, I can't talk to you about it. This would break the trust in the relationship; it would be saying to your loved one that I don't trust them to talk to me, or that I know better what's good for them. And if I don't trust them, why would they trust me?
There's some other reasons, too...
No judgements
This is an important one. I am offering your loved one unconditional positive regard. That means, they are good to me. No matter what they do, say or have done. At their core, they are fundamentally a good person, trying to heal and live a better life. Think about how much a person can flourish and grow when they are fundamentally approved of. If someone believes in you, you can learn to believe in yourself. That's not to say I approve of everything they are doing; chances are they don't either, that's why they are in therapy! But it does mean that my approval or disapproval is irrelevant, and not very helpful to the process of change. And let's be really clear; until they want to change themselves, nothing will change. That's it. No amount of judgement, shaming or approval on anyone's part will change their behaviour, until they want to. The best way I can help your loved one is to provide them with an environment where they don't have to defend, explain or protect themselves. If you and I start talking about your loved one, or about your worries, fears or annoyances in relation to them, how can they trust I won't judge them, or muddy their experiences with yours?
Confidentiality
The relationship is confidential. That means, whatever your loved one chooses to bring into the relationship does not get discussed with anyone else. But it also means I won't acknowledge I am seeing your loved one for therapy, without their express permission. Even then, I might not agree to work this way. This might seem strange, especially if you are paying for the therapy, bringing them to their session every week, sitting in the waiting room for them to come out. We both know they are in therapy, so why not acknowledge it? It's because it is confidential - what I do or do not tell a third person can break the trust placed in me, and that trust is so important.
Safety
In order to make change, your loved one needs to feel safe. Chances are, fear is at the root of a lot of their decisions, behaviours and other feelings. We dress fear up in anger, depression, affairs, fighting, drinking, drugs...but often when you really drill down, fear is sitting like a hard, cold icicle at the centre of things. If you act out of fear, you tend to make fearful decisions, which might not be the ones that get your loved one to where they need to go. If I can help them feel safe, and that includes them knowing they are in control and can talk to me without risking the other relationships in their lives, which might be really terrifying for them, then I can't talk to you. I'm sorry if that hurts.
Autonomy
There's a reason we turn to therapists instead of our friends or family. It's not because we care about them more than you do. Far from it. But we aren't invested in a particular outcome, have a history with them, or bring in our own needs or wants in to confuse the issue. It's a unique and very unusual position, really. I don't have to balance the confusing array of wants and needs of others, which my client does. It can make it really difficult for them to figure out who they are, what they need. My priority is your loved one. This doesn't mean I don't care about the others in their lives, but I trust them, and you, to manage those relationships. I believe in your right to choose, for yourselves. If I start talking to my client's loved ones, I am starting to make choices for them, and that's not ok.
Finally...
I get that it must be really hard not to talk to me, sometimes. I would feel the same way, too. I hope that this letter explains some of the reasons why I can't, and that it's not because I think you aren't important, or don't know your loved one really well. Know also that sometimes when I'm listening to your loved one, I am thinking of you, wondering how hard it must be for you, and whether you have any support of your own. I hope very much you take care of yourself. In fact, if I was allowed to talk to you in any way, that would be my wish for you. Take care of yourself, because what you are doing isn't easy, and you are really important, too.
With warmest wishes,
Holly
I know you care about your loved one. I know you, along with them, are probably bearing the brunt of their depression, anxiety, trauma, anger, sadness, despair...whatever it is they have come to see me about. I know it can be exhausting, frightening, lonely and frustrating trying to help them, help yourself and keep your world together at the same time. I know you might want to reach out to me, to help me help your loved one by giving me information, asking questions, letting me know what you think is the issue. But I can't talk to you. Here's why.
Boundaries
In a word: boundaries. Boundaries help keep us safe, secure and understand where we stand in a relationship. This means we can make informed, autonomous decisions for ourselves. When we have boundaries we can rely on, we can express ourselves in a safe, contained way, and be sure enough we will be received in the way we expect. Relationships without boundaries can be chaotic, stressful and highly detrimental. Think about a child growing up with consistent, compassionate boundaries. They learn to be secure, responsible, robust and independent. They know they are cared about, and they learn to care for themselves. They learn to care about others. They also learn how to balance their wants and needs against what is best for them, and make helpful decisions for themselves. Now think about a child who grows up with inconsistent, confusing or absent boundaries. They are often insecure, mistrustful, anxious and confused. They don't know if they are cared about, or worth caring about.
Our early relationship with boundaries can form how we interact with them as adults. Boundaries can often feel punitive; they can feel like punishments. But are they? Let's take a look at the boundaries essential to counselling, and why they mean I can't talk to you.
Trust
The counselling relationship is built on trust. We use that word a lot, but have a think about how many people you truly, utterly trust in the world, in all situations. Not many. Now imagine a world where you completely trust yourself and others, and everyone is worthy of that trust. Think about how much of yourself you could express in such a world! This is what we are trying to achieve in counselling; a place your loved one can express themselves and their experiences, without judgment, where they know they will be heard in a safe, secure, professional relationship.
Fundamentally, I trust three things:
- I trust your loved one's experiences and world view as legitimate to them
- I trust them to be able to heal themselves
- I trust their process - the way they need to do things to heal themselves
1. I trust your loved one's experiences and world view as legitimate to them
Whether you believe there is a single objective reality or as many realities as people is kind of irrelevant. The only reality we have access to is our own. Even when we understand the reality of others, we are accessing it through our own goggles, so we can only get so close! What is important is how your loved one is experiencing their world, and that they have a place where that is validated as real for them. Once I can understand where they are coming from, and how they see things, we can work together for the change they want.
2. I trust them to be able to heal themselves
Your loved one has lived with themselves their whole life, from the inside. Whether they feel like it or not, the fact they are sitting in front of me, or with you, means they have found a way to survive. They have figured out, despite all the adversity, troubles, stresses and bad luck, how to keep going, somehow. I respect that. I bet you do, too. But it means that despite the fact you or I might think we know is the 'best' solution for them, we really aren't the experts - they are. If we can trust them to heal themselves (which I have seen so many people do, so many times, from such dark places!) then we haven't fixed it for them. This would be a short-term solution, and maybe even damaging if the way we help ourselves isn't a good fit for them. By trusting them, and staying with them as they do it, we encourage them to listen to themselves, trust the change they want to make and grow in self-confidence. This type of change, the change that comes from within, is more permanent.
3. I trust their process - the way they need to do things to heal themselves
It's important they do this in their own time, in their own preferred way. And a key point here is; I completely trust your loved one to do that, when they are ready. 'When they are ready' means; when they judge themselves to be safe enough, for it to be helpful to them, whether knowingly or intuitively. This can be confusing, but I want to be really clear; they can choose to lie to me, and that's ok. In fact, it can be helpful. They are testing how safe the relationship is, how much power they have, and deciding for themselves how much of themselves to reveal. I trust them to do that.
Even though you know they've had an affair, they lost a parent when they were young, or they slipped off the wagon at the weekend, I can't talk to you about it. This would break the trust in the relationship; it would be saying to your loved one that I don't trust them to talk to me, or that I know better what's good for them. And if I don't trust them, why would they trust me?
There's some other reasons, too...
No judgements
This is an important one. I am offering your loved one unconditional positive regard. That means, they are good to me. No matter what they do, say or have done. At their core, they are fundamentally a good person, trying to heal and live a better life. Think about how much a person can flourish and grow when they are fundamentally approved of. If someone believes in you, you can learn to believe in yourself. That's not to say I approve of everything they are doing; chances are they don't either, that's why they are in therapy! But it does mean that my approval or disapproval is irrelevant, and not very helpful to the process of change. And let's be really clear; until they want to change themselves, nothing will change. That's it. No amount of judgement, shaming or approval on anyone's part will change their behaviour, until they want to. The best way I can help your loved one is to provide them with an environment where they don't have to defend, explain or protect themselves. If you and I start talking about your loved one, or about your worries, fears or annoyances in relation to them, how can they trust I won't judge them, or muddy their experiences with yours?
Confidentiality
The relationship is confidential. That means, whatever your loved one chooses to bring into the relationship does not get discussed with anyone else. But it also means I won't acknowledge I am seeing your loved one for therapy, without their express permission. Even then, I might not agree to work this way. This might seem strange, especially if you are paying for the therapy, bringing them to their session every week, sitting in the waiting room for them to come out. We both know they are in therapy, so why not acknowledge it? It's because it is confidential - what I do or do not tell a third person can break the trust placed in me, and that trust is so important.
Safety
In order to make change, your loved one needs to feel safe. Chances are, fear is at the root of a lot of their decisions, behaviours and other feelings. We dress fear up in anger, depression, affairs, fighting, drinking, drugs...but often when you really drill down, fear is sitting like a hard, cold icicle at the centre of things. If you act out of fear, you tend to make fearful decisions, which might not be the ones that get your loved one to where they need to go. If I can help them feel safe, and that includes them knowing they are in control and can talk to me without risking the other relationships in their lives, which might be really terrifying for them, then I can't talk to you. I'm sorry if that hurts.
Autonomy
There's a reason we turn to therapists instead of our friends or family. It's not because we care about them more than you do. Far from it. But we aren't invested in a particular outcome, have a history with them, or bring in our own needs or wants in to confuse the issue. It's a unique and very unusual position, really. I don't have to balance the confusing array of wants and needs of others, which my client does. It can make it really difficult for them to figure out who they are, what they need. My priority is your loved one. This doesn't mean I don't care about the others in their lives, but I trust them, and you, to manage those relationships. I believe in your right to choose, for yourselves. If I start talking to my client's loved ones, I am starting to make choices for them, and that's not ok.
Finally...
I get that it must be really hard not to talk to me, sometimes. I would feel the same way, too. I hope that this letter explains some of the reasons why I can't, and that it's not because I think you aren't important, or don't know your loved one really well. Know also that sometimes when I'm listening to your loved one, I am thinking of you, wondering how hard it must be for you, and whether you have any support of your own. I hope very much you take care of yourself. In fact, if I was allowed to talk to you in any way, that would be my wish for you. Take care of yourself, because what you are doing isn't easy, and you are really important, too.
With warmest wishes,
Holly
