Depression; you don't have to be alone
But it can often feel like that. This article aims to introduce the idea of depression, how it can affect people and those around them, and what you can do about it. Because even in your loneliest of places, there will be people willing to walk with you. Take these steps to learn more about depression and what you can do to start on your road to wellness.
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Step one: educate yourself
First things first; depression is not...
So what is depression?
Depression is very common; one in three people will experience depression at some point in their lives and no two people will have exactly the same experience. However, depression is generally a loss of hope, a feeling of deep sadness, despair or pointlessness, a loss of interest in things and people, a withdrawing away from loved ones and a lack of interest in being in the world. This can result in extreme feelings of desperation or a complete numbness of feelings altogether. If you have had depression, you will be familiar with its ability to suck all the colour out of your life, to crush and dampen your ability to take joy in things, to get out of bed, to see friends and family. It can feel like a cloying cloak, suffocating you, lonely and cold and everywhere you look. It can last weeks, months or years; it's more than feeling a bit down for a few days. It becomes the thing that stops you being all of you, and draws strength on your fears, worries, anxieties and isolation.
- A weakness - some of the strongest people around are those who can be with their depression
- Imaginary - it is real, it is serious and it needs proper, professional support
- Something you can just 'snap out of' by 'pulling yourself together'
- Eternal - it doesn't last forever; you can get better with the right help and support
So what is depression?
Depression is very common; one in three people will experience depression at some point in their lives and no two people will have exactly the same experience. However, depression is generally a loss of hope, a feeling of deep sadness, despair or pointlessness, a loss of interest in things and people, a withdrawing away from loved ones and a lack of interest in being in the world. This can result in extreme feelings of desperation or a complete numbness of feelings altogether. If you have had depression, you will be familiar with its ability to suck all the colour out of your life, to crush and dampen your ability to take joy in things, to get out of bed, to see friends and family. It can feel like a cloying cloak, suffocating you, lonely and cold and everywhere you look. It can last weeks, months or years; it's more than feeling a bit down for a few days. It becomes the thing that stops you being all of you, and draws strength on your fears, worries, anxieties and isolation.
Step two: recognise your depression
To tackle an issue, you must recognise it is there and it's a problem. Sounds easy, but can be really tricky when in the grips of depression. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself, to see whether you need to look further into how you are feeling right now.
1 . Am I finding it hard to sleep?
2. Am I sleeping a LOT? Or staying in bed as long as possible?
3. Do I have 'whizzy brain', where thoughts, conversations or events play over and over in my mind?
4. Does anything interest me? Or does it all seem a bit pointless?
5. Can I feel anything? Sadness, joy, boredom?
6. Is it still easy to go out? To go to work? To be with other people, or would I rather be alone?
7. Do I put on a 'mask' when around others?
8. Do I sometimes fantasise about dying, or hurting myself?
9. Am I tearful, irritable, angry a lot?
10. Am I less interested in sex?
11. Am I criticising myself a lot, feeling guilty and confused?
If you find yourself answering 'yes' to a lot of these questions, you might be suffering from depression. Don't panic. You are not alone, and it's not your fault. Ask yourself; how long have you felt like this? Has it been more than a few days? Weeks? Months? If so, you are overdue for step three.
1 . Am I finding it hard to sleep?
2. Am I sleeping a LOT? Or staying in bed as long as possible?
3. Do I have 'whizzy brain', where thoughts, conversations or events play over and over in my mind?
4. Does anything interest me? Or does it all seem a bit pointless?
5. Can I feel anything? Sadness, joy, boredom?
6. Is it still easy to go out? To go to work? To be with other people, or would I rather be alone?
7. Do I put on a 'mask' when around others?
8. Do I sometimes fantasise about dying, or hurting myself?
9. Am I tearful, irritable, angry a lot?
10. Am I less interested in sex?
11. Am I criticising myself a lot, feeling guilty and confused?
If you find yourself answering 'yes' to a lot of these questions, you might be suffering from depression. Don't panic. You are not alone, and it's not your fault. Ask yourself; how long have you felt like this? Has it been more than a few days? Weeks? Months? If so, you are overdue for step three.
Step three: tell someone
This video, "Anixety and Depression; My Story. My Finest Hour" by @Faz_Khalifa
shows one person's struggle with depression. At the end of the video
he promises that you don't have to walk alone.
This can be the hardest thing to do when you feel depressed, but talking really does help. How do you start that conversation? Will they want to hear it? Talking about it can seem daunting and scary. So how can you help yourself?
Pick your person, pick your moment and think about what you want to say.
Figure out what you need from them, and tell them. This will make it easier for them to help you. Pick someone you trust, and someone who is good at listening. Maybe this is your mum, your brother, your best friend. Maybe it is your priest, counsellor, teacher, manager or doctor. Maybe there is an online support group you could tell anonymously, if you don't feel ready to tell anyone you know personally yet. You will be surprised how warmly people can reach out to you when you let yourself be vulnerable, and how much they want to help and listen. They might also be scared and worried, so don't be surprised if they react from fear. After all, they might not know a lot about depression. Plus, you've been thinking about it for ages; to them it might be a bit of a shock. Don't give up - keep telling people until you find what you need. Here is an idea how you could start that conversation:
"Have you got some time? I'd really like to talk to you about something but I'm a bit nervous. You might have noticed I haven't been myself lately. I know I've been hard to talk to, but I think I might be properly depressed and I need some help. I think I might need to see a counsellor, but I wanted to talk to you first. I don't need you to do anything, but if you could listen to me and then give me a hug, I'd really appreciate it."
Seems easy on paper, doesn't it? It can be that easy, but often it is not. If you can prepare yourself to take that first step, each step afterwards will be so much easier. Some find it helps to write down what you want the person to know, what you need from them. Some prefer to jump straight in. The important thing is you are not alone unless you choose to be, and there is help for each and every one of us out there.
This can be the hardest thing to do when you feel depressed, but talking really does help. How do you start that conversation? Will they want to hear it? Talking about it can seem daunting and scary. So how can you help yourself?
Pick your person, pick your moment and think about what you want to say.
Figure out what you need from them, and tell them. This will make it easier for them to help you. Pick someone you trust, and someone who is good at listening. Maybe this is your mum, your brother, your best friend. Maybe it is your priest, counsellor, teacher, manager or doctor. Maybe there is an online support group you could tell anonymously, if you don't feel ready to tell anyone you know personally yet. You will be surprised how warmly people can reach out to you when you let yourself be vulnerable, and how much they want to help and listen. They might also be scared and worried, so don't be surprised if they react from fear. After all, they might not know a lot about depression. Plus, you've been thinking about it for ages; to them it might be a bit of a shock. Don't give up - keep telling people until you find what you need. Here is an idea how you could start that conversation:
"Have you got some time? I'd really like to talk to you about something but I'm a bit nervous. You might have noticed I haven't been myself lately. I know I've been hard to talk to, but I think I might be properly depressed and I need some help. I think I might need to see a counsellor, but I wanted to talk to you first. I don't need you to do anything, but if you could listen to me and then give me a hug, I'd really appreciate it."
Seems easy on paper, doesn't it? It can be that easy, but often it is not. If you can prepare yourself to take that first step, each step afterwards will be so much easier. Some find it helps to write down what you want the person to know, what you need from them. Some prefer to jump straight in. The important thing is you are not alone unless you choose to be, and there is help for each and every one of us out there.
Step four: build a team
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You need a team to help you through this time, and I don't mean just people though they are important. You can make your own or use this worksheet to record your team choices. Keep the sheet with you and look at it when you feel like you need some help. Consider having the following on your team:
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Depression Self Care Sheet
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Friends & Family
Your friends and family can be invaluable at this time, so try and reach out to them if you can. Think about what they are best at, and use it to help you. One might be great at talking on the phone, one great at distracting you, one great for watching movies with, one who is good at texting you. Maybe one is great at sending you pictures of cats in weird jumpers or going for walks when you don't want to talk much. Maybe one can drive you to the doctors or your counsellor, and check you are ok afterwards. Ask them if they will take on this role for you, or if it would be ok for you to contact them when you feel bad. They will probably be relieved you are asking them for help, and you have given them something to do they are good at. Friends and family often feel a bit helpless, worried and anxious about depression - you know what that feels like, right? So share your feelings and stick together to make an effective team.
Professionals
Even if you don't think you want one of the treatments your doctor has to offer, go along and see them anyway. There could be a physical side to your depression that might be vital to know about. Doctors can refer you for specialist help. They might be able to help you in other ways as well, as they can know what support there is in the local area through organisations and charities.
Consider seriously seeing a counsellor. Of course I would say that - I'm a counsellor so I'm biased, right? Maybe so, but I can't tell you how many clients I've seen with depression who feel utterly relieved when they start therapy, and can't believe they waited so long to find help. If you are worried about the money there are many low costs charities offering counselling, and most counsellors offer a few concessionary places. Have a look at the Links page to find a few directories and see what is on offer in your local area.
Exercise
We all know exercise can help with depression, but it can be really hard to do the things we 'know' will help when the suffocating presence of depression is on us. Try to do a little bit each day. If it is very difficult, you could exercise with someone who is a bit more motivated, say a running buddy or a walking group. Check your local leisure centre too; often there are 'back to netball' type courses that are reintroductions to sport of various kinds. If you can just walk to the shop and back or play on your Wii Fit, or dance to a song for three minutes then that is good enough, just get moving.
Music, film, books, art, computer games, blogs
Pick some songs, films, books, poems, paintings, sculptures that help you. Maybe they help express how you are feeling when you aren't able to, maybe they represent your sadness, hope, frustration. Maybe they distract you, give you a bit of a break from the relentlessness of depression. Maybe they let you cry, laugh, rage. Some people like to blog about their depression, and can build up some supportive followers. Build a good catalog of theses things, and spend some time working on this.
Animals
Some people find being with animals very therapeutic when they are feeling very low. If you don't have a pet, could you walk a neighbour's dog, help out at a local shelter or offer to cat sit?
Diet
Are you eating enough? Too much? The right stuff? Eating right is just as important for your mind as your body. The NHS has an interesting article here about eating and depression I think is worth a look. Again, can be tricky to do if you depressed, so call on the rest of your team to help out.
Your friends and family can be invaluable at this time, so try and reach out to them if you can. Think about what they are best at, and use it to help you. One might be great at talking on the phone, one great at distracting you, one great for watching movies with, one who is good at texting you. Maybe one is great at sending you pictures of cats in weird jumpers or going for walks when you don't want to talk much. Maybe one can drive you to the doctors or your counsellor, and check you are ok afterwards. Ask them if they will take on this role for you, or if it would be ok for you to contact them when you feel bad. They will probably be relieved you are asking them for help, and you have given them something to do they are good at. Friends and family often feel a bit helpless, worried and anxious about depression - you know what that feels like, right? So share your feelings and stick together to make an effective team.
Professionals
Even if you don't think you want one of the treatments your doctor has to offer, go along and see them anyway. There could be a physical side to your depression that might be vital to know about. Doctors can refer you for specialist help. They might be able to help you in other ways as well, as they can know what support there is in the local area through organisations and charities.
Consider seriously seeing a counsellor. Of course I would say that - I'm a counsellor so I'm biased, right? Maybe so, but I can't tell you how many clients I've seen with depression who feel utterly relieved when they start therapy, and can't believe they waited so long to find help. If you are worried about the money there are many low costs charities offering counselling, and most counsellors offer a few concessionary places. Have a look at the Links page to find a few directories and see what is on offer in your local area.
Exercise
We all know exercise can help with depression, but it can be really hard to do the things we 'know' will help when the suffocating presence of depression is on us. Try to do a little bit each day. If it is very difficult, you could exercise with someone who is a bit more motivated, say a running buddy or a walking group. Check your local leisure centre too; often there are 'back to netball' type courses that are reintroductions to sport of various kinds. If you can just walk to the shop and back or play on your Wii Fit, or dance to a song for three minutes then that is good enough, just get moving.
Music, film, books, art, computer games, blogs
Pick some songs, films, books, poems, paintings, sculptures that help you. Maybe they help express how you are feeling when you aren't able to, maybe they represent your sadness, hope, frustration. Maybe they distract you, give you a bit of a break from the relentlessness of depression. Maybe they let you cry, laugh, rage. Some people like to blog about their depression, and can build up some supportive followers. Build a good catalog of theses things, and spend some time working on this.
Animals
Some people find being with animals very therapeutic when they are feeling very low. If you don't have a pet, could you walk a neighbour's dog, help out at a local shelter or offer to cat sit?
Diet
Are you eating enough? Too much? The right stuff? Eating right is just as important for your mind as your body. The NHS has an interesting article here about eating and depression I think is worth a look. Again, can be tricky to do if you depressed, so call on the rest of your team to help out.
In an emergency
Sometimes things can get really bad. You need help and you need it NOW. If you are at risk of harming yourself or another, don't hesitate. Go to the emergency room or dial 999 immediately. If for some reason you can't do that, call your doctor or the Samaritans. You can call them 08457 90 90 90 or email them [email protected].
Recovery
The good news is depression can be treated; most people respond well and recover. This can be you. I specialise in working with people with depression, and although it can be a tough road, the fact you are here and looking for information is the very first step. Take the next one when you can, and keep taking those steps forward. You don't have to be alone. I really mean it.
Thanks to...
Many thanks to Vajralila who runs The Wilbury Clinic in Hove, who kindly allowed me to base my Team Depression Worksheet on her self-care contract.
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