| A few days ago a campaign to remove the 'Feeling Fat' emoticon from Facebook was successful, after nearly 17,000 people signed a petition calling for it to go. That campaign focused on the effect the emoji would have on those with eating disorders, but it also highlighted an issue common in today's speech and thought patterns; fat is not a feeling. |  Saying you 'feel fat' only hints at your feelings. It doesn't express them. |
When someone asks me how I am, it is often easiest to resort to the ritualistic HowareyouIamfine (HAYIAF) response that allows us to sail merrily past our fellow humans, with only the faintest breath of contact. That will be the topic of another blog, but what about the confusion we often make between what we think, and what we feel? Take these examples:
"I feel like I want to explode"
"I feel as if my whole world is falling down around me"
Are these really feelings? Or are they thoughts? These examples are metaphors; we can guess at the person's feelings based on how we would feel if we wanted to explode. We can imagine, if we are inclined, what it might be like if the world were falling down around us. Both instances are pretty unclear ways of really telling someone how you feel. You are relying on a complex layer of getting them to imagine what you are imaging (my world falling down might be losing my entire family, yours might be losing your job and having to sell the car) and then having the same emotional response to it that you do (I might be devastated, you might be angry). So if I were listening to you, I might have an idea of what is going on for you, but there is a whole lot of room for missing what you are trying to tell me, and missing you altogether. Look at this one:
"I feel people should really respect one another, instead of being rude"
This one seems more clearly to be a thought; you are telling me about your belief that people should be respectful not rude. I cannot really glean any feelings from this, except maybe the context will hint that you are annoyed, but I can get a sense of your value system - the rules that you think are 'good' or 'bad'. The following are really expressions of feelings...
"I feel really angry! I'm frustrated and mad"
"I feel really sad right now, lonely and scared"
"I feel so happy. A warm feeling in my tummy, that stretches round my body and hugs me"
If someone said that to you, wouldn't it be easier to understand them, to reach out and connect with them, to really hear what they are telling you?
"I feel like I want to explode"
"I feel as if my whole world is falling down around me"
Are these really feelings? Or are they thoughts? These examples are metaphors; we can guess at the person's feelings based on how we would feel if we wanted to explode. We can imagine, if we are inclined, what it might be like if the world were falling down around us. Both instances are pretty unclear ways of really telling someone how you feel. You are relying on a complex layer of getting them to imagine what you are imaging (my world falling down might be losing my entire family, yours might be losing your job and having to sell the car) and then having the same emotional response to it that you do (I might be devastated, you might be angry). So if I were listening to you, I might have an idea of what is going on for you, but there is a whole lot of room for missing what you are trying to tell me, and missing you altogether. Look at this one:
"I feel people should really respect one another, instead of being rude"
This one seems more clearly to be a thought; you are telling me about your belief that people should be respectful not rude. I cannot really glean any feelings from this, except maybe the context will hint that you are annoyed, but I can get a sense of your value system - the rules that you think are 'good' or 'bad'. The following are really expressions of feelings...
"I feel really angry! I'm frustrated and mad"
"I feel really sad right now, lonely and scared"
"I feel so happy. A warm feeling in my tummy, that stretches round my body and hugs me"
If someone said that to you, wouldn't it be easier to understand them, to reach out and connect with them, to really hear what they are telling you?
Feelings are not thoughts. Thoughts come afterwards, and they are valuable and beautiful and human. But our feelings come first, and they are powerful and energetic and persuasive. It seems we spend a lot of time hinting to others what we are really feeling, or hiding our thoughts and beliefs behind a veil of language that makes it tricky to connect with each other. After reading this, spend the day really listening to what people are saying. You will find a lot of people say "I feel" instead of "I think" or "I want" or "I need".
Feeling sad? Then say so!
So I offer you this; have a go at being clearer about the differences between your thoughts and feelings. When you next say "I feel..." make sure it is really a feeling you are offering. If it isn't, grab it by both hands and plop "I think..." front of it where it belongs. You will find that people can start to really get to know you, once you stop making them jumping through hoops of muddy language.
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