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New Year, New Start...?

12/31/2015

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People approach the start of the New Year in different ways.  To some, it's just another day.  Either they have their minds on the past, looking backwards with a fondness or regret that blinkers them to the present, or their minds are flung far into the future, so the day they are treading on now is as unnoticed as an old slipper.  Maybe they are so absorbed in the now that the past and future seem blurry and insubstantial, like the mumbled honkings of the adults on a Peanuts cartoon.  If they concentrate, they can hear the echoes of the past, and the squeaking of the future, but it is the vibrant luscious now that fascinates and holds them. To some, the New Year is the start of a new adventure, or another year in pain.

Maybe you are in pain.  2015 was a troubling year, and 2016 does not look to be any better.  Maybe it is just an irritating itch you've put off getting sorted out, and are looking to straighten that up very soon.  Maybe it is something that has bothered you for years, and for some reason it is getting harder and harder to merge into a happy life, leaving you in a state of anxious, miserable survival.  Maybe something unexpected has happened, and 2016 is not going to be the year you thought it was, bringing with it grief, shock and excitement.

Whether it is a six session 'tune up' to help you get started on the right track in 2016 or you want some long term support to make the changes you need, counselling can be a great place to start.  Many people like to keep a constant check on themselves, and use a few session each year to raise their awareness, sort out some 'itches' before they become too annoying and generally refresh themselves with good human contact.  This can be a great way to 'service' your well-being and make sure you are ok for the year ahead and any surprises that come along.  It can also be good to keep a counsellor 'in your pocket'.  Someone you've already met, worked with a bit and know you can go back to if anything more troubling occurs.

Perhaps you are reading this for yourself, or a friend or relative, that is really in need of something more substantial.  Even if you've left it a long time, it is never too late to step into therapy and begin your journey to wellness.  Sure, you could put it off another year, spend another year living in boredom, anxiety, stress or depression.  But if you keep doing the same old thing, the same results will occur.

Why not try something different? Here at Magpie, I know things are always black and white.  Why not join me to do something amazing in 2016?
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If I hear that one more time... What people say when you are made redundant, and why it hurts

10/31/2015

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PictureTry not to throttle them.
When you are made redundant, you can become a kind of public property.  Because your redundancy was most likely announced to the company or organisation at large, a lot of people think they now what is going on for you, and feel the right to talk about you and your job role in a way they might not of before. This can feel really weird.

Some people seem very keen to offer advice.  Even though well intentioned, this tends to make them feel better rather than you.   Here are some things you will probably need to get used to people saying. Try not to throttle them.

What they say:    It's not personal
What you hear:    You shouldn't be upset
Why it's not a great thing to say:    Being made redundant is personal.  Yes, it's true it is probably the role that the organisation doesn't need anymore rather than a personal slight on you, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt YOU.  You feel your work is seen as unimportant, things that you've worked on, worried about, stayed late to finish, put your heart and soul into....now seem to be worthless.  Even more importantly, it IS personal because it is really going to effect you; your self-esteem, confidence, view of the world, home life and financial security.  Life is going to change, and it scares and upsets you.  How is that not personal?


What they say:  Everything happens for a reason
What you hear:  Your current pain is a good thing/you might be to blame for this
Why it's not a great thing to say:    Let's face it, it's kind of a smug thing to say. It alludes to a kind of overall plan that, in all probability, means very little to the person in pain right now. It's also another 'shut down' saying; don't complain because your suffering is necessary and you'll be glad it happened in the end.  It can encourage people to blame themselves; that they are the reason this has happened. 


What they say: When one door shuts, another one opens...
What you hear: Hurry up and find a job
Why it's not a great thing to say: Not only is this one smug, it's a 'hurry up and move on' saying.  Finding a new job when you've had a huge knock to the old self-esteem is tricky; making big decisions when you've been traumatised is down right risky.  Don't encourage them to do it with this throw away saying.


If you are tempted to say these things to someone...
Have a think about what your intentions are, because these are all 'shut down' statements.  They stop someone expressing how they feel, because you've kind of told them they aren't allowed to.  Do you find it
hard to be with someone who is upset or angry? In our culture, that's really common, but I would encourage you to be brave. If you don't feel comfortable taking to them about their feelings, why not pick a project you worked on with them and thought went really well. They probably feel really low at the moment, so tell them why you thought they were awesome at it. Stay away from telling them how they ought to feel; listen to how they are actually feeling.

If you want to find out more about why redundancy hurts, check out the extended article 
The Trauma of Redundancy: A personal pain in an impersonal world.

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Top five regrets of the dying...but how do I change?

4/24/2015

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An old article in the Guardian caught my eye today, about the dying epiphanies of patients looked after by palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware. The top five most commonly reported regrets were:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Guilty as charged...

For me, a lot of these ring true. Most of the decisions I've come to regret later on have stemmed from assuming a role others have expected of me, instead of taking the time to consider carefully my own values and needs, and reflect on what kind of life I want to have. I have also, at times, worked to the point of becoming exhausted, miserable and ineffective as a result.
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Do you get in the way of your own happiness?
More than that, I missed out on precious time with friends and family that is lost to me forever.  Expressing my feelings, especially when they might not be welcomed or valued is a risky, exposing adventure I am not always willing to take. Losing touch with friends is a common, gentle regret of mine I don't think I will truly appreciate until I too am facing my own annihilation as it is so easy to take for granted the deep and satisfying connection friendship can offer.  I often get in the way of my own happiness; sometimes I catch myself and am able to laugh, sometimes I don't notice and can stretch out my misery way beyond necessity.

The word that sums it up

What sticks out for me across all these is the word 'courage'.   To assert yourself takes great courage, as does taking the time to put yourself first and really reflect on your needs and wants. It takes courage step back from work, look after yourself properly and decline to participate in our society's obsession of deriving worth from role.  Expressing your feelings, whether they are a swirl of complex colours or a strident trumpet blast can open you up to painful, intimate and gorgeous experiences, often at the same time, often when you least expect it.  Keeping hold of friends can take a lot of effort, and in old friendships might involve being courageous enough to evolve and respond to your new situations and lives that as five or twenty-five year olds you never even considered would be a challenge to your relationship. Having the gall to put your happiness first and deal with the actual issues that trouble you instead of distracting yourself with a myriad of daily anxieties is without doubt the most undervalued kind of courage I have ever had the privilege, as a counsellor and friend, of witnessing.

The word that gives it meaning

In daily life, acting in a way that avoids these potential regrets can be really uncomfortable, painful even, but why?  The clue is in the littlest and biggest of the words here...'I'.  Many people find it difficult to give their well-being a priority, feeling selfish, guilty, aggressive or mean to say, "I'm sorry, I can't help you, I want to go home" or "I'm going to quit this job, it's sucking my soul dry". Change is the thing that takes the most courage of all; being stuck in a rut or coasting along with the natural enertia of life can seem like the only path, but consider these four existential 'truths':

You are alone
You will die
There is no meaning inherent to life
You are entirely free, and therefore responsible, for your own life

I guess the question is; is what you've got good enough for you? Or will you lie on your death bed with the same regrets as you've read here?
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Fat is not a feeling

3/23/2015

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A few days ago a campaign to remove the 'Feeling Fat' emoticon from Facebook was successful, after nearly 17,000 people signed a petition calling for it to go.  That campaign  focused on the effect the emoji would have on those with eating disorders, but it also highlighted an issue common in today's speech and thought patterns; fat is not a feeling.
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Saying you 'feel fat' only hints at your feelings. It doesn't express them.
When someone asks me how I am, it is often easiest to resort to the ritualistic HowareyouIamfine (HAYIAF) response that allows us to sail merrily past our fellow humans, with only the faintest breath of contact.  That will be the topic of another blog, but what about the confusion we often make between what we think, and what we feel?  Take these examples:

"I feel like I want to explode"
"I feel as if my whole world is falling down around me"

Are these really feelings?  Or are they thoughts?  These examples are metaphors; we can guess at the person's feelings based on how we would feel if we wanted to explode.  We can imagine, if we are inclined,  what it might be like if the world were falling down around us.  Both instances are pretty unclear ways of really telling someone how you feel.  You are relying on a complex layer of getting them to imagine what you are imaging (my world falling down might be losing my entire family, yours might be losing your job and having to sell the car) and then having the same emotional response to it that you do (I might be devastated, you might be angry).  So if I were listening to you, I might have an idea of what is going on for you, but there is a whole lot of room for missing what you are trying to tell me, and missing you altogether.  Look at this one:

"I feel people should really respect one another, instead of being rude"

This one seems more clearly to be a thought; you are telling me about your belief that people should be respectful not rude.  I cannot really glean any feelings from this, except maybe the context will hint that you are annoyed, but I can get a sense of your value system - the rules that you think are 'good' or 'bad'. The following are really expressions of feelings...

"I feel really angry!  I'm frustrated and mad"
"I feel really sad right now, lonely and scared"
"I feel so happy.  A warm feeling in my tummy, that stretches round my body and hugs me"

If someone said that to you, wouldn't it be easier to understand them, to reach out and connect with them, to really hear what they are telling you?
Feelings are not thoughts.  Thoughts come afterwards, and they are valuable and beautiful and human. But our feelings come first, and they are powerful and energetic and persuasive.  It seems we spend a lot of time hinting to others what we are really feeling, or hiding our thoughts and beliefs behind a veil of language that makes it tricky to connect with each other. After reading this, spend the day really listening to what people are saying. You will find a lot of people say "I feel" instead of "I think" or "I want" or "I need".
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Feeling sad? Then say so!
So I offer you this; have a go at being clearer about the differences between your thoughts and feelings.  When you next say "I feel..." make sure it is really a feeling you are offering.  If it isn't, grab it by both hands and plop "I think..." front of it where it belongs.  You will find that people can start to really get to know you, once you stop making them jumping through hoops of muddy language.
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    Hi, I'm Holly and I'm a Counsellor, Philosopher and curious person.

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